I remember sitting on that Ryanair flight to Paris feeling crushed because -- although to those who were there experiencing everything with me, this may seem mundane, or ridiculous -- I felt like for the first time in my life I had found a lot of the things that I was searching for. I was leaving the things that I had wanted and was leading a life I had always dreamt of myself. I of course later really noticed that it wasn't necessarily one place that gave me that gift. Rather, I began to notice that everywhere outside of where I was coming from lead me to feel alive. And  it's not that I don't like where I am.... it's that I'm no longer growing or getting what I need.

Think of it this way: being in a relationship with a person but that person stopped providing a sense of growth to you. Rather you slipped into a sense of decay, a sense of repetition. And for someone like me, it's not good enough to be like this.

I feel like I'm sitting back in the place where I grew and expanded so much but I feel like in a way I rushed my way back to my gilded cage.

And now I'm here. Now I am back, and I feel lost, disconnected from my body, and from those around me because I'm just so unhappy being here. I'm not unhappy in the traditional sense. I'm unhappy more or less with myself because I haven't found the way to lead the life I know I can have; instead I'm leading the life I'm allowing myself to have because for a long time this was right for me, and it was what felt good.

I feel like I'm now swimming back to shore from the middle of the ocean. No sense of how to get there, no sense of how long it will take, and no sense of why I even jumped back right into the place where I escaped. But what I do know is that I feel a stronger sense of getting what I want no matter the cost of getting there. And yes. I am afraid that I am running away from a core problem, but I feel in my gut that this is what I need to do.

I came back and I feel like I'm still resting and charging up my batteries but I also feel like I want to remove the weights on my back. I don't know what anything means. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And I don't know for sure what getting out will even lead me. But what I do know is that I can't continue doing this. I love it, yes. But love and comfort aren't all I need.

I'm confused, tired, searching, hungry, afraid, and paranoid.

I want to be perfect all the time. I want to make all the right choices. But I can't. And for all the wrong reasons doing that is going to kill me.

So I'm not sure what the past 8 months of my life have changed in me. I'm feeling like I need to unpack all the emotional stuff but I don't know how, or when, or if now is that time.

I don't know shit. And for now, that's okay. I'm human.

I think....

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I don't know which way I woke up today -- but I woke up feeling repulsed. I feel repulsed by what I've allowed myself to become.

You know all those articles about how women are constantly apologetic for how intelligent, creative, and successful they are? Well who would have thought I out of all people would be living like that! I feel like I'm always biting my tongue and not expressing all my inner and outer true colors because I fear that my friends, family, and people in general will feel alienated by me. As if the things I do; or  the way I live my life, etc. would make others uncomfortable and I feel like a sack of shit I think for allowing myself to do that because I've allowed people like that around me. I have too many people around me still to this day that feel bad about themselves once I begin talking about whatever I'm working on; or the things I've achieved; or even the dreams that I have.

Out of any conversation that I have with most people now I barely utter anything about my professional life because I've digested this irrational fear to the point where I couldn't even identify what the fuck was going on with me. I literally was asking myself why it was that people didn't understand who I was or what I was doing -- and that's because I've never fully expressed it!

I work like a god damn dog to achieve my dreams and I sacrifice so fucking much and now I've even not been able to digest my own achievements because I fear internalizing my success and expressing that as the kind of person that I am.

I feel like in many ways the circles that I am in all clash, and they all don't make any sense to the platform that I'm actually living in. And that's part of why I can't make sense of anything anymore. I've started to feel manic! I literally have stepped my pussy up so much in part because I can't accept anything that I've done anymore -- which has lead to me feeling like I'm failing all the time.

I don't have any friends that I can talk about my success, my fears, or anything relating to my life because everyone shuts me down and I used to feel like it was my fault because I was gloating to them. Like how are my problems any valid? How is my concern relating to producing a brand new album and wondering how things will pan out in the press any important? But they are! My life has validity and I have to accept that. And fuck everyone who has made me feel this way.

In so many ways I've gaslighted myself, and I carry the guilt and ownership of what I've allowed to manifest into my life. If you can't handle the fact that I'm trying hard to make my life happen -- and feel bad because of whatever problem you haven't dealt with your own ego -- please take a sharp turn to the fucking left and get out of my life.

I'm not a victim, but I'm also fed up. I remember in 2011 when I had a lot going on in my favor in regards to my life as an artist and I had most people on my Facebook/life turn away from me. And I think it began then. And today 2016, as I'm on the verge of leaving for my tour and I sit here and ponder how can I be a star when I'm dulling myself so I don't turn anyone away.

And I'm not letting that happen anymore.

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Clearly I'm just trying to be provocative with the headline.... but in another form, I'm not. And that's because clearly the term "fat ass" is a pejorative ascribed onto someone who isn't "skinny". I put skinny in quotes simply because, while yes it's an adjective, the word carries so much weight. To certain people a "fat ass" is: not healthy; is sometimes automatically discounted to be an ugly person; is persistently being seen as a person who doesn't care about themselves and lacks any ability, or will power, to stop being a "fatty"; and is most of the times just seen as "gross".

On the other hand, a skinny, or thin person, tends to automatically be seen as attractive (or at the very least isn't completely marked as an "ugly" from the get-go). It's like an inherited cognitive idea for us that people who are thin are healthier, harder working individuals, caring, sexy, etc.

And to an extent, thinner people are healthier..... KINDA NOT SORTA BUT SOMETIMES YES.

I'm kind of just writing this post because I hope someone reads this because they might be trying to get their health back into order (obligatory New Years resolutions) and in many ways I'm just trying to make one point: skinny, or fat, your goal should not absorb into just losing weight. Because in reality, losing weight is never the hard part -- fuck, you can take pills, get surgery, and do a myriad of things to get it off BUT it's always the hardest to keep it off because weight is only indicative of your overall health.

And why does that matter? Because really a true well rounded goal would be something like: "I'm going to try to walk a mile at least each day" or  "I will try to drink less soda, and more water". Yes, any person who is overweight, including myself, SHOULD lose weight. I understand people are into chubbier people, and that being chubby or fat or whatever you wish to call it, can be attractive too -- the point is that any excess amount of weight on the body has a plethora of health risks that can be eliminated or reduced just by not being overweight.

When I was in Houston I was hanging out with two doctors and one of them basically said that he could easily tell when I was going to die. He did this with simple questions, and by looking at my body -- the main component that reduced my the years on my life are basically my obesity. And that literally shocked me to hear because he was just pointing out things I think many of us frivolously ignore. And I didn't tell him that I lost X amount of pounds or whatever because that wasn't the conversation. If anything, it just made me accept that being chubby is not an acceptable health form.

Skinny, or weighing what you're supposed to weigh, only reduces a plethora of health complications almost guaranteed for anyone with obesity. But it doesn't eradicate all health complications. This means the obvious: if you're thin but smoke, or eat horribly, or don't exercise, etc. You're not in the clear......and honestly, when I began to really address my health over four years, it seemed daunting the amount of hard work, and the amount of information that was starting to feel like an avalanche of worries. But that's because I was letting my ego get in the way of simple changes necessary to be able to fully maximize my efforts. And sure, you could slowly start, and that's fine. But the sooner one addresses their health, the quicker your body can begin to be able to reduce the diseases that living a "toxic" life brings on. And in reality, our health is like an open tab that begins to bill us as we get older.

And I'm not perfect, and nor will I ever be, and health doesn't have to be boring. Rather health is personal maintenance. It's a thing that only we can control. Now I understand some may say that this post is ableist and revokes any outstanding variable that prevents someone from losing weight -- and if that's the case, you figure it out. You figure your situation out and talk to your doctor, and ignore this post. I'm speaking to those of us who don't have those issues. And I'm asking us to let go of the idea that being thick and curvy isn't going to potentially give us diabetes, have bad blood pressure, etc.

Our society depends on capitalizing on our insecurities, and it capitalizes on our health. The biggest form of rebellion is to engage with yourself and try to be the best you -- and health truly can come between you and a full life. And if you're like me and hate the man, don't drink the kool-aid -- it's full of sugar anyways.






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I've typed a ton of shit up and deleted a lot of it repeatedly.

I don't really know how to even begin to unravel 2015 because I feel like I've literally lead 9 chapters of my own life this year. I was broken up with; I traveled a shit ton; and made a bunch of connections with people/cities that I've met/been in. I can honestly say that so much of the person that I once was a year ago, has shed a lot off, and sharpened, and mutated.

And although I would love to talk about all the adventures I've had, or the things that I did, or the lessons and people whom are important to me and that have shaped and guided my change -- there are just too many. And I'll probably end up talking about these things in a book, or interview, so the things will come.

Rather I think this posts reflects on other things like:
I've become so much more unhappy with my life in Chicago.
I've become more demanding of myself, and those around me.
I've become a shit ton more impatient.
and I've learned to let go a lot more.

Outside of all my professional endeavors, of which there were many beautiful and amazing things that were added into my portfolio -- so many personal things truly outshone my career advancements. I think being away from such a stark and frigid city lead me to find greener pastures and happy faces that made me feel like a person. I felt connected. Maybe it's the weather, and the air, and the fact that I was able to navigate myself around places.... but whatever it was, I saw and experienced to an extent what I want my life to be more like. And I know that it can't be here.

A couple days ago I realized that even though one could say that I seem fearless about many things, in many other ways I'm not -- and in said departments I have a ton of anxiety that keeps me from moving forward just because I can't get out of myself. In ways I had not traveled or fucked or cared or moved forward because I was afraid of suffering. And now that I've gotten a bit of pain this year, I realize, like Kelly Clarkson said, "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger". And that's true, and it sounds idiotically like a pinterest board, and like vague advice your mom gives you, but I've been really egging forward on facing fears and questioning my decisions and trying to move forward.

I can't forget how I lived in Mexico City for two months, and being on the streets of NOLA, and in a month and some weeks I'll be in Europe touring with my band.

I was working for over 5 years on dealing with my depression, and stabilizing myself, but the past two months that I've been home I was back in a hole. I was getting stoned every night just to feel stimulated as a person. Sure my art helps some, but I need more than that. And finally I feel strong enough to know that I just need to get out more, even when I am here. I feel like a trapped moth.

I'm blinded by circumstances, but I'm also keeping the lid open and shut. And that's a lot to take in. I've began to fly out though, and as slow as I am, I'm planning my next year to reflect my newly adopted decision to find my tribe.

Unfortunately for too long I've been stuck living an online life.... and it's cool and all, but it's gotten fucking old. I'm getting older, and I don't want to end up having my potential being bottled up only for myself and those who know me around the internet.

I started really organizing things for the tour this week; and I got goosebumps when I finished the first video because it finally started to feel real. Whether or not people even show up means nothing to me; but I'm trying, and putting myself up to fail.

And that's really all what it's about. I'm just afraid to fail, because I feel like I've never been allowed to fail. But I'm saying I can't calculate all my decisions, it's too fucking much. Failing, or losing, like in Tony Kushner's Angels In America is really the only thing that can save us and allow me to break free into the person that I'm destined to become.

Which is why I've become so impatient, because I just don't have time for lead weights to bog me down with their problems. I can't allow the matrix to sequester me. And I won't.

Fuck everything, because it means nothing. And fuck me for keeping myself down over nothing too.

2015 was an amazing and profound year. I thank every single person this year from the hairdressers in Mexico, to my grandma, to my "friends" that I met once in passing -- thank you. I forgot what it was like to be a person, and the importance of being one.

I hope in 2016 I can be more giving, and forgiving of myself.

People can truly be amazing, and I'll never forget that now. And I hope to be able to be one of those people too.

Here are some pictures from this year! Although there are a ton of pictures that are missing that are equally as important I simply can't put them all on here :( for more just go to my tumblr: http://monamiejorgevisionboard.tumblr.com




















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I felt like this was never going to get released! lol, jk. It did take a long time though. I mean when I first heard the original track I was on the couch on my laptop in NOLA, and the weird part is that I can not remember for the life of me right now whether it was in July or May (I was there three times this year). Anyways, it matters only in chronological matters but I feel like I remember receiving Don Rimini's mix when I was in Mexico, I was in bed.

So Rachael plays me the music and I immediately wanted to produce the project, as well as wanting to go out and play the music at some bar in the quarter. We did go out, but the night was dead, and really all the clubs in the quarter play LITERALLY the same music -- so dull. But I left NOLA and I knew that I wanted to do it.

The remixes really are like ace, as usual. Everyone did their own thing with the track and I feel like it's an incredibly fun project, and I feel like all the remixers just went with it. I of course needed to have a juke mix in there (I'll never not be a 7th grade girl with my hoop earrings) and I even shot the video in October when I was in NOLA before coming home.


I feel like this is one of the most polarizing projects I've done tho. And I feel that way because the project is so flamboyant, and while most people don't care, it really pushes against the hyper-masculine thing going on in dance music at the moment. So I was extremely cognizant of that through out the producing and development of Gina. I didn't want to make Gina anti-woman, nor make it a class, or race thing (which is why I wanted Gina to be a bear). Really, Gina, for me is not only the other fake-o person who thinks they're all that -- but also it talks, to me, about that feeling that I feel that we all carry inside of ourselves (at least sometimes, even I can feel like a Gina) and that's kinda cool.

So, another project, another day, and hopefully you like it and have as much fun as I've had with it.

Labels: Don Rimini, gettoblaster, gina, inner rebels and less hate, juke, londy, new orleans, pour le plaisir, screamin rachael, someone from lithuania with a friend named jorge

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It was a strange two years because I went from ball of grease no one wanted to fuck, to seeing that maybe some people would maybe want to fuck me, and maybe even love me! RBL documents those thoughts that I had during that period. the online version is free but if you'd like you can donate to my art pot here: paypal.me/monamiejorge

Buy a print version here: http://www.peecho.com/sps/13297424530800/153859-RBL

Read the online version here: http://issuu.com/jorgecruz88/docs/rbl?e=8989019%2F30589479

Labels: book, monamiejorge, online book, RBL

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a piece by me

Labels: if, monamiejorge, piece, white people

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