Tuesday, October 4, 2016 Y 9:17 PM
I had to take another small job a couple days ago because I'm broke. I have no money (well I have some) but I'm about to move, and don't even have enough for that.
So I started working at this pizza place, and the kids (literally) are all in high school and the youngest one is 15. He was literally my age when I first began to work. And I had to take this job because I quit from my last one because I was so scared to go back after I accidentally missed a shift that I was supposed to work.
I just felt this huge blanket of intense fear and anxiety come over me. And I basically didn't know what to do but walk away. I could have been okay, the time still passes and comes, but I have nothing really to even make me able to live as a human being.
So I'm at another job, one that I have to take because I need the money to be able to survive. And an immense sense of rush comes over me. And in that moment again I feel how stupid and incapable I am of doing anything. I feel like nothing is sticking, like I'm too slow, and like I don't understand suddenly even how to listen or talk.
I feel embarrassed for myself because I thought I was smart enough to do the work of a teenager, or at least one on the lowest totem poll.
I guess I'm not good at shit. And It's like how am I going to ever make a living, have a life, or do anything when I'm a huge pendejo who can't get anything right.
I feel like my body turns itself off automatically and this isn't one of those things that be turned off by kind words, or warm wishes.
What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can't I seem to do anything right? I'm so tired of trying so hard to do even the smallest things. I'm sick of not being able to take care of myself. On the outside I made myself out to be someone who I know society would allow to slide.
But I can't really pretend that this isn't a big problem. And i'm scared. Because I have no control. I'm not steering this ship. And I can't stop.
Y 9:06 PM
I don't really know how or why it began. I don't know why I have this thing only I feel. I don't know where it begins, where it ends, or how complexly rooted and sewn together to my being this has become.
I don't feel like I've ever been given a chance to have a minute to address it. I don't know why it petrifies me like a tree with innards.
I can see the eye hole cuts. My vision feels intrinsic. I feel like there are many of me inside but then there is this outer skin that I never really see, or interact with. The version of myself that I can't seem to connect with or understand. This being the tank that takes the blows...the one and only that is ever really considered.
When they see me, I wonder, if they look through my peep-hole and try to gawk at the real me. It's hard to look into someone's eyes because I feel like they know -- and my jig is up.
I feel like I don't know anything. Like I don't do any good. Nothing about me matters, is relative, or is of any significance to anyone.... but me. I'm self-pleasing, self-loathing, and genuinely know -- or maybe it just makes me feel -- that I'm worthless.
I feel like even the most minute task is impossible for my head to understand. Sometimes even planning getting out of bed seems exhausting. It's as if I'm asking for permission from all these people inside me to comprehend, to do, or to feel anything. It's a court. And I'm the defendant. I'm a small brown nut and the forces magnetically reflect around my true me. And I don't know how to overcome this silly trial.
I'm understanding enough of this world to know that even though I may feel like the living undead. Paralyzed, mute, def, and stupid. I can't show anyone the paint color of my walls. I know that. I have armor. The kind of armor that prevents harm. The kind that although outwardly appalling, keeps me walking around for just one more day.
I've grown so much in such a short amount of time. But I feel the steam pushing against me wanting to get out and not knowing where to come out of. The steam dances and wiggles inside my body looking and planning and escape but I've plugged all available entrances. I know the real condition of this landscape. If anyone finds out it's over. I will lose all my credibility. I will lose my place at the table.
The fear is so potent it colors the steam. I can't keep up anymore. I can't even hear. I'm starting to leak.
It rattles me
It makes me aware that we've run out of place
Even my insides are empty. I can't even take care of myself right. I can't even do this one thing correctly.
I understand it's no ones plight. I understand it doesn't matter because in this life it's a battle of the strongest, or the quickest.
I can't just give up because then I can't even afford to be considered a human.
I apply my middle class sensibilities like the finest translucent rouge. I highlight myself with western values. And I set it with everyone's gaze.
But now I feel it snake around inside me. It can't contain itself for much longer. And I don't know who's going to stop this plane from colliding but I sure know that I'm not. I'm trying to poetically keep up with the joneses, I know that. But I can't fake the eruption thats about to evade those around me.
I know that in reality my experience and my story are unimportant. And that when I do burst, it will be fodder. The tragicness of my demise.
They could find me face down, head down, with my hair scalped out of my head. Blood stained eye. Wounded knees, and cut out belly. And the time I spent suffering will mean nothing to anyone. And that's what it feels like to live with this affliction.
It's a gilded cage.
On the outside, it seems trivial, but it's a slow roasted punishment that kisses me to bed and strangles me back to life.
No one sees them. No one sees the swarm.
And it's a maddening way to live, because in reality, it's a problem I can't afford to deal with.
So I go to work, I pretend to be fine, and I go on living because the other option is living in the existence that plays out in my head.
I'm watching two movies play at once. I'm skipping rope with the same object that will end me. And I have no solutions, no resolution, nothing.
Sweet words are not enough to end the life of this million headed monster. Great intentions, and kind mantras will not stop it's destruction.
And my fields have already begun to braze.
Sunday, June 5, 2016 Y 6:33 PM
2. Anksioznost 03:51
3. Nerimas [Interlude] 00:31
4. Anxiété 02:16
5. Anxietatea 15:55
6. Ansia [Interlude] 00:07
7. Ängistus 03:23
8. Ansiedad 02:24
9. Vita 03:25
Well maybe writing about this EP is a bit too close to home at the moment, but, it's been out. Not that long but I released this almost a month right after my very first EP and this one was nerve wrecking for me. The entire time I almost felt like I didn't even the process of making it because in a way I've almost crashed. I'm almost at a 2011 super depressed state of mind, but yet, I'm not. I'm in a different place. I'm living a post utopia world, and in many ways struggling with myself, my placement, my existence, my autonomy, etc.
I've always heard people talk about themselves and combating themselves and in so many ways even when I was much more mentally ill -- I was never my own worst enemy. I can never say I woke up hating myself, or sabotaging myself. And today, I'm almost sharing the island with another person that I'm trying to get to know.
I think I'm understanding for sure that I'm at the crossroads between the stages of my own life, and it's noisy, it's difficult, and it's something alien to me. And for me this EP, if anything, fully sonically embodies this mental traffic that is bypassing me. I'm so happy, and I'm so thankful for it all, but yet, I feel like a failure now more than I've ever felt like it before. And it's stupid, I know. And that voice of reason still hasn't lost hope or faith in myself.
But I just feel this way now. I just feel like nothing I do makes me happy anymore, I feel like I'm just existing. I feel like I'm the happiest I've ever been and at the same time so conflicted with bullshit, but it's just all this static noise that doesn't escape me, this traffic that consumes me, and I'm living in a duality that I've lost control of -- and I don't know. I just don't know what is happening but it's happening and I'm trying, and that's all I can do. And even that to me is hard, because I don't think I'm ever trying hard enough. So, that's what this EP is for me and yesterday, June 4, 2016 -- I shot the music video for the track, "Vita", which is the closing track off of this EP.
As I was watching it I felt so melancholic. In so many ways the video is acknowledging the beauty around me, and honoring the amazing powers in my life, and on the other hand it's like I'm trying to prove to myself just how beautiful it all is. The video is just so representative of my feelings right now, and how I wish to record this moment of my life for myself. But it's tough, and I do need help. And I'm trying, but this is life, and it's just going to go by anyways -- so, I'm trying. I'm keeping myself occupied, and I'm not trying to just throw the baby with the bath water. But it is, and it isn't and I'm me and I'm not, and it's all noise, and it's all traffic, and I'm just going by the motion and playing it by ear. I don't have answers, all I have are emotions, and all I can do at this moment in time is keep the door and window open and try to keep myself open.
Y 6:13 PM
1. Echk Mcfuwfeen 08:01
2. Symphawneek #9 07:23
3. WDIg2g? 05:41
4. Ya-Ya 05:01
5. Tdrippppz 02:41
6. Wuyrship 03:32
Back when I was in NY earlier this year I was sitting with a friend I remembering him recounting a bit of his own regret for not learning how to produce music, even though, he had always been in the sessions... I think it's still hard for me to accept that I'm even in the music industry -- or anything really, LOL. #mentalissues
But I really have for the most part for the beginning of the year began to in a way gather up a sense of my own aggression for at the very least not even trying to learn or experiment with making my own music. I think for a while it was because I was told I had no rhythm when I was in 4th grade and trying to learn the saxophone (it was also my very first time trying to even play anything). I also never understood notes, or anything like that. So I think I just never thought I was even worthy of trying or anything because I felt like I had no business trying. Which in today's modern world is stupid for me to think. So stupid, but regardless, I'm not one to limit myself, right?
Well sometimes, like in this case, I just avoid the issue altogether and eventually later give in to my own curiosities. So even though this EP isn't necessarily my very first piece of music to have been out -- it's the first time I've taken myself to construct something from scratch, or in some cases, to learn to manipulate machines and computer stuff, to get the results I want.
So after seeing Leo give up on a video game, I just pushed myself to make something. And what I came out with was this and a remix for our band which will be out later in June.
Noehze for me was a lot about playing, constructing, deconstructing, and just trying to make things that are just more playful and experimental. I feel like so much about the music that I even manage, or am surrounded by is made with the purpose of being enjoyed and played and monetized, but for me I literally just wanted to make something with no expectations. I was just having fun! What a concept! Of course later my anxieties began to overtake me and some songs were sad, and yes, they are talking about things I'm going through at this moment, but overall this first EP was about just expressing myself through music production.
I received a lot of extremely nice feedback for this EP, for which I am super thankful. And yes I forgot to post about this when it came out because I'm going through a stage in my life right now where I feel worthless and am just mass producing a lot of work and trying to cope with myself and what I've been going through the past couple of months, so.... I'm sorry lol.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016 Y 8:10 PM
I remember sitting on that Ryanair flight to Paris feeling crushed because -- although to those who were there experiencing everything with me, this may seem mundane, or ridiculous -- I felt like for the first time in my life I had found a lot of the things that I was searching for. I was leaving the things that I had wanted and was leading a life I had always dreamt of myself. I of course later really noticed that it wasn't necessarily one place that gave me that gift. Rather, I began to notice that everywhere outside of where I was coming from lead me to feel alive. And it's not that I don't like where I am.... it's that I'm no longer growing or getting what I need.
Think of it this way: being in a relationship with a person but that person stopped providing a sense of growth to you. Rather you slipped into a sense of decay, a sense of repetition. And for someone like me, it's not good enough to be like this.
I feel like I'm sitting back in the place where I grew and expanded so much but I feel like in a way I rushed my way back to my gilded cage.
And now I'm here. Now I am back, and I feel lost, disconnected from my body, and from those around me because I'm just so unhappy being here. I'm not unhappy in the traditional sense. I'm unhappy more or less with myself because I haven't found the way to lead the life I know I can have; instead I'm leading the life I'm allowing myself to have because for a long time this was right for me, and it was what felt good.
I feel like I'm now swimming back to shore from the middle of the ocean. No sense of how to get there, no sense of how long it will take, and no sense of why I even jumped back right into the place where I escaped. But what I do know is that I feel a stronger sense of getting what I want no matter the cost of getting there. And yes. I am afraid that I am running away from a core problem, but I feel in my gut that this is what I need to do.
I came back and I feel like I'm still resting and charging up my batteries but I also feel like I want to remove the weights on my back. I don't know what anything means. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And I don't know for sure what getting out will even lead me. But what I do know is that I can't continue doing this. I love it, yes. But love and comfort aren't all I need.
I'm confused, tired, searching, hungry, afraid, and paranoid.
I want to be perfect all the time. I want to make all the right choices. But I can't. And for all the wrong reasons doing that is going to kill me.
So I'm not sure what the past 8 months of my life have changed in me. I'm feeling like I need to unpack all the emotional stuff but I don't know how, or when, or if now is that time.
I don't know shit. And for now, that's okay. I'm human.
Thursday, February 4, 2016 Y 6:06 PM
I don't know which way I woke up today -- but I woke up feeling repulsed. I feel repulsed by what I've allowed myself to become.
You know all those articles about how women are constantly apologetic for how intelligent, creative, and successful they are? Well who would have thought I out of all people would be living like that! I feel like I'm always biting my tongue and not expressing all my inner and outer true colors because I fear that my friends, family, and people in general will feel alienated by me. As if the things I do; or the way I live my life, etc. would make others uncomfortable and I feel like a sack of shit I think for allowing myself to do that because I've allowed people like that around me. I have too many people around me still to this day that feel bad about themselves once I begin talking about whatever I'm working on; or the things I've achieved; or even the dreams that I have.
Out of any conversation that I have with most people now I barely utter anything about my professional life because I've digested this irrational fear to the point where I couldn't even identify what the fuck was going on with me. I literally was asking myself why it was that people didn't understand who I was or what I was doing -- and that's because I've never fully expressed it!
I work like a god damn dog to achieve my dreams and I sacrifice so fucking much and now I've even not been able to digest my own achievements because I fear internalizing my success and expressing that as the kind of person that I am.
I feel like in many ways the circles that I am in all clash, and they all don't make any sense to the platform that I'm actually living in. And that's part of why I can't make sense of anything anymore. I've started to feel manic! I literally have stepped my pussy up so much in part because I can't accept anything that I've done anymore -- which has lead to me feeling like I'm failing all the time.
I don't have any friends that I can talk about my success, my fears, or anything relating to my life because everyone shuts me down and I used to feel like it was my fault because I was gloating to them. Like how are my problems any valid? How is my concern relating to producing a brand new album and wondering how things will pan out in the press any important? But they are! My life has validity and I have to accept that. And fuck everyone who has made me feel this way.
In so many ways I've gaslighted myself, and I carry the guilt and ownership of what I've allowed to manifest into my life. If you can't handle the fact that I'm trying hard to make my life happen -- and feel bad because of whatever problem you haven't dealt with your own ego -- please take a sharp turn to the fucking left and get out of my life.
I'm not a victim, but I'm also fed up. I remember in 2011 when I had a lot going on in my favor in regards to my life as an artist and I had most people on my Facebook/life turn away from me. And I think it began then. And today 2016, as I'm on the verge of leaving for my tour and I sit here and ponder how can I be a star when I'm dulling myself so I don't turn anyone away.
And I'm not letting that happen anymore.
Friday, January 8, 2016 Y 7:59 PM
Clearly I'm just trying to be provocative with the headline.... but in another form, I'm not. And that's because clearly the term "fat ass" is a pejorative ascribed onto someone who isn't "skinny". I put skinny in quotes simply because, while yes it's an adjective, the word carries so much weight. To certain people a "fat ass" is: not healthy; is sometimes automatically discounted to be an ugly person; is persistently being seen as a person who doesn't care about themselves and lacks any ability, or will power, to stop being a "fatty"; and is most of the times just seen as "gross".
On the other hand, a skinny, or thin person, tends to automatically be seen as attractive (or at the very least isn't completely marked as an "ugly" from the get-go). It's like an inherited cognitive idea for us that people who are thin are healthier, harder working individuals, caring, sexy, etc.
And to an extent, thinner people are healthier..... KINDA NOT SORTA BUT SOMETIMES YES.
I'm kind of just writing this post because I hope someone reads this because they might be trying to get their health back into order (obligatory New Years resolutions) and in many ways I'm just trying to make one point: skinny, or fat, your goal should not absorb into just losing weight. Because in reality, losing weight is never the hard part -- fuck, you can take pills, get surgery, and do a myriad of things to get it off BUT it's always the hardest to keep it off because weight is only indicative of your overall health.
And why does that matter? Because really a true well rounded goal would be something like: "I'm going to try to walk a mile at least each day" or "I will try to drink less soda, and more water". Yes, any person who is overweight, including myself, SHOULD lose weight. I understand people are into chubbier people, and that being chubby or fat or whatever you wish to call it, can be attractive too -- the point is that any excess amount of weight on the body has a plethora of health risks that can be eliminated or reduced just by not being overweight.
When I was in Houston I was hanging out with two doctors and one of them basically said that he could easily tell when I was going to die. He did this with simple questions, and by looking at my body -- the main component that reduced my the years on my life are basically my obesity. And that literally shocked me to hear because he was just pointing out things I think many of us frivolously ignore. And I didn't tell him that I lost X amount of pounds or whatever because that wasn't the conversation. If anything, it just made me accept that being chubby is not an acceptable health form.
Skinny, or weighing what you're supposed to weigh, only reduces a plethora of health complications almost guaranteed for anyone with obesity. But it doesn't eradicate all health complications. This means the obvious: if you're thin but smoke, or eat horribly, or don't exercise, etc. You're not in the clear......and honestly, when I began to really address my health over four years, it seemed daunting the amount of hard work, and the amount of information that was starting to feel like an avalanche of worries. But that's because I was letting my ego get in the way of simple changes necessary to be able to fully maximize my efforts. And sure, you could slowly start, and that's fine. But the sooner one addresses their health, the quicker your body can begin to be able to reduce the diseases that living a "toxic" life brings on. And in reality, our health is like an open tab that begins to bill us as we get older.
And I'm not perfect, and nor will I ever be, and health doesn't have to be boring. Rather health is personal maintenance. It's a thing that only we can control. Now I understand some may say that this post is ableist and revokes any outstanding variable that prevents someone from losing weight -- and if that's the case, you figure it out. You figure your situation out and talk to your doctor, and ignore this post. I'm speaking to those of us who don't have those issues. And I'm asking us to let go of the idea that being thick and curvy isn't going to potentially give us diabetes, have bad blood pressure, etc.
Our society depends on capitalizing on our insecurities, and it capitalizes on our health. The biggest form of rebellion is to engage with yourself and try to be the best you -- and health truly can come between you and a full life. And if you're like me and hate the man, don't drink the kool-aid -- it's full of sugar anyways.
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