Wednesday, December 30, 2015 Y 1:01 AM
I've typed a ton of shit up and deleted a lot of it repeatedly.
I don't really know how to even begin to unravel 2015 because I feel like I've literally lead 9 chapters of my own life this year. I was broken up with; I traveled a shit ton; and made a bunch of connections with people/cities that I've met/been in. I can honestly say that so much of the person that I once was a year ago, has shed a lot off, and sharpened, and mutated.
And although I would love to talk about all the adventures I've had, or the things that I did, or the lessons and people whom are important to me and that have shaped and guided my change -- there are just too many. And I'll probably end up talking about these things in a book, or interview, so the things will come.
Rather I think this posts reflects on other things like:
I've become so much more unhappy with my life in Chicago.
I've become more demanding of myself, and those around me.
I've become a shit ton more impatient.
and I've learned to let go a lot more.
Outside of all my professional endeavors, of which there were many beautiful and amazing things that were added into my portfolio -- so many personal things truly outshone my career advancements. I think being away from such a stark and frigid city lead me to find greener pastures and happy faces that made me feel like a person. I felt connected. Maybe it's the weather, and the air, and the fact that I was able to navigate myself around places.... but whatever it was, I saw and experienced to an extent what I want my life to be more like. And I know that it can't be here.
A couple days ago I realized that even though one could say that I seem fearless about many things, in many other ways I'm not -- and in said departments I have a ton of anxiety that keeps me from moving forward just because I can't get out of myself. In ways I had not traveled or fucked or cared or moved forward because I was afraid of suffering. And now that I've gotten a bit of pain this year, I realize, like Kelly Clarkson said, "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger". And that's true, and it sounds idiotically like a pinterest board, and like vague advice your mom gives you, but I've been really egging forward on facing fears and questioning my decisions and trying to move forward.
I can't forget how I lived in Mexico City for two months, and being on the streets of NOLA, and in a month and some weeks I'll be in Europe touring with my band.
I was working for over 5 years on dealing with my depression, and stabilizing myself, but the past two months that I've been home I was back in a hole. I was getting stoned every night just to feel stimulated as a person. Sure my art helps some, but I need more than that. And finally I feel strong enough to know that I just need to get out more, even when I am here. I feel like a trapped moth.
I'm blinded by circumstances, but I'm also keeping the lid open and shut. And that's a lot to take in. I've began to fly out though, and as slow as I am, I'm planning my next year to reflect my newly adopted decision to find my tribe.
Unfortunately for too long I've been stuck living an online life.... and it's cool and all, but it's gotten fucking old. I'm getting older, and I don't want to end up having my potential being bottled up only for myself and those who know me around the internet.
I started really organizing things for the tour this week; and I got goosebumps when I finished the first video because it finally started to feel real. Whether or not people even show up means nothing to me; but I'm trying, and putting myself up to fail.
And that's really all what it's about. I'm just afraid to fail, because I feel like I've never been allowed to fail. But I'm saying I can't calculate all my decisions, it's too fucking much. Failing, or losing, like in Tony Kushner's Angels In America is really the only thing that can save us and allow me to break free into the person that I'm destined to become.
Which is why I've become so impatient, because I just don't have time for lead weights to bog me down with their problems. I can't allow the matrix to sequester me. And I won't.
Fuck everything, because it means nothing. And fuck me for keeping myself down over nothing too.
2015 was an amazing and profound year. I thank every single person this year from the hairdressers in Mexico, to my grandma, to my "friends" that I met once in passing -- thank you. I forgot what it was like to be a person, and the importance of being one.
I hope in 2016 I can be more giving, and forgiving of myself.
People can truly be amazing, and I'll never forget that now. And I hope to be able to be one of those people too.
Here are some pictures from this year! Although there are a ton of pictures that are missing that are equally as important I simply can't put them all on here :( for more just go to my tumblr: http://monamiejorgevisionboard.tumblr.com
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