It's been such a long time but it really hasn't. I feel like over the past couple of years I've tried to grow up perhaps too quickly because it's in my nature. I've always been way above my maturity but emotionally I don't think I have or sometimes feel like I haven't fully formed, like a cake when the inside is still not done yet the outside is golden brown.

When I began having to think about my branding and public persona and the amount of things that I needed to hide because of credibility issues I began to lose control, and the worst part was that I inflicted the actions that I took in erasing some of the largest formative years of my life.

I'm growing anxious day by day having to think about the fact that the memories of junior high, high school, the mundane everyday activities that made me laugh, the jokes that made me explode with laughter, the people who were super nice to me, their breath, their feelings, their presence, are escaping me. I can't cope with the idea that I can't remember anything or everything. I can't seem to cope the very tangible reality of having to forget things to make new memories in order to forget those in a couple of years until I grow old and forget about this very moment as I typed this out on my blog because I can't handle the very reality of deleting my myspace. Sure it sounds dumb, but it was my history and I deleted for no real good reason besides me trying to protect my brand, which is nothing but a facade that I try to convince everyone to believe.

I think that just realizing how long the time has really gone is both scary and welcoming but mostly sad because everything that I've learned and have been taught leads to a path that leads directly to nothing. After the people that I love the most reach the final destination no one can ever feel the amount of sadness within me. They'll say that's life, they'll say it was okay and that maybe it was for the better but that's the reality of life. No one truly ever feels the impact of the situations that you feel, no words can seem to capture exactly what you feel and what's worse is that the laughter that emanated from my parents for all of my life will seize one day and that one day I will question that very memory. I will over think the tone of their laugh, over think when it occurred and mostly forget the amount of times that I heard during their lifetimes. All I will be left is with the concept of who they were as people, as an abstract memory of all the great things that they did for me. Not just my parents, but everyone else whom I love, and even though these are the realities of life somehow I can't manage to cope with them. I can't find comfort in knowing that once we die that's it. I can't handle the fact that while knowing how amazing the universe is in even granting us life to begin with, I can not handle with knowing that there is very little evidence that shows an afterlife where one day when we pass we'll be able to hold our parents, our friends, our siblings and everyone else who came across our lives that we love. And even though I won't feel my own death, the fact that I will have to deal with the emotions of having to cope with the passing of a love one scare me even more. I want to be here forever, I want to be able to remember it all, I want to hold my mothers hair and body, I want to have my dad shout talk forever, I want to have it all forever and never experience the feelings of loss. and while losing my myspace scares me because they carry the heaviest and most formative years that I've gone through, the fact of not remembering scares me the most. The fact that it all won't matter in a relatively short time, the fact that there is no way in the world I can stop myself from having to go through those things, and the fact that I don't have the ability to preserve any of the things I mentioned. It's so scary, it's so painful and yet we all have to do it...

Labels: a thought, life

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