Friday, September 2, 2011 Y 12:13 AM

There is nothing sexier than the touch of the hand on my inner thigh from my Italian/Arabic/Jewish doctor. Sure the hand is a little callused and a bit cold and is being paid to give me a check up but sometimes I wonder what it would be like if this turned into one of those porns I've watched so many times.

The kind where the doctor suddenly gets the lube out to "release my tension" and then asks me to remove my bottoms and then slides his fingers in me which leads to a face full of cum and a possible STD. But it's not like I actually want to just have sex with this person, like that would be scary and probably leave me nauseous and leave me unable to eat for a while - which would suck since I'm fucking starving. The doctor isn't even that cute but there's something about this that I want more out of, I wonder if the glances are caught. More importantly I wonder whether I am creeping out the energy, last time this happened I ended up spacing out for an hour. The doctor is not helping the situation out by smiling me everytime a command is given to me. Just being nice is probably what's going on but who wouldn't want it to be something more. No it's not about the whole being a doctor thing, in fact if watching all those doctor shows on television kinda lead me to a disillusion about the glamour of being a doctor. Long hours, stress, on call all the time -- I need someone who is there for me I guess. I'm not sure if I would be strong enough to be with someone who is tired all the time. I could not imagine laying in bed wanting to cuddle only to have my advances turned away everytime because of fatigue. I may be understanding of the situation but I'm like a dog, a needy one at that. Not like the kind that doesn't like space or follows you to the bathroom when you're taking a shit but we all have limits, right? I wonder how those wives of plastic surgeons deal with all that too. I wonder if they're skin constantly smells like blood, latex and hospital. Could I even imagine laying next to someone for the rest of my life who could possibly smell like death with no possible Dove body scrub that removes the stank?

That's the thing about liking someone though I feel like you almost give away all of your power and self when it happens. Like do you forget about what pledges you made to yourself on those nights you stumbled into bed drunk and alone? I remember once promising myself never to be allowed to be physically hurt but what if it did happen, would I let it go? I know too many people who become some sort of putty where they become one body of goo and find it hard to ever be individuals. On the other hand I know the other extreme where two people are unwilling to negotiate and then you one of them stabbing the other in the middle of the night. I'm not one who believes in extremes per se but what the hell does love do to someone?!

This doctor is still ranting about getting more vitamins in me and blah blah, does the doc actually care about me. Would the doctor be sad if died: go to my funeral, buy me flowers and possibly give a small speech about how sassy I was at the wake? I wonder if the fact that this doctor is working in free clinic has anything to do with anything. At the last free clinic I felt like I was a groundhog or something just being barked at under a probing fluorescent light. The doctor - while possibly having great intentions when they started - seemed over having to care for people day in and day out. Maybe Dr. Galash just wanted to have a life - where instead of being good and taking care of the impoverished - full of glamour and BMW's and golf courses. Maybe Galash was tired of having to drive a Toyota and seeing all of his graduating class buying a vacation home and going on vacation. But I'd like to imagine my pretend doctor lover to be full of passion for me. I want the doctor to look forward to seeing me more often or getting gutty when they see me in the waiting room, even if I am in my checkup sweatpants. I wonder if after this checkup the thoughts of my touch and presence will fill up the evening. I wonder if the doctor secretly practices making a first move in the mirror. I bet the first move would be something like that one movie I caught where the doctor flipped over the guy and he got an erection by accident and then drove him home because his keys got lost and when they got in the driveway and the patient was about to get out the doctor just asked him to please join him for dinner.

This later turned into a relationship which was extremely beautiful but unrealistic yet realistic at the same time. While the doctor lavished his boyfriend and loved him very much the other guy was kinda not 100 percent there. Sure the relationship was all there but he just wasn't in love with him. It's kinda like my mom says the nice ones are always the nicest but never the ones you end up with. Is it a bite sort of thing? I know I may not believe in all that but I'm not sure I could be with someone with no edge. What will our conversations be like? I imagine it would be like being on anesthesia.

I just feel like hugging the doctor right now. That wavy hair would be soft against my cheek, I just know it would. I wonder if they are one of those wash-my-hair-everyday type of person. I hope so, some people smell like bed all the time. I wonder if I accidentally almost fell I can get my arms wrapped around the body of the doc. I wonder they would just be freaked out and kick me out avoiding me forever and ever and I just can not afford that. It's not like there's a surplus of free clinics, I would just end up being stuck in one of those situations where everytime I came in it was some sort of awkward dance. Avoiding looking into each other eyes, making myself extra unattractive, etc. Who knows the doctor may not even want to touch me which may lead to some sorta cancer!

*sigh*

I wonder if this doctor --

"All done!"

Guess I got to go now, maybe the doctor will finally lean in for a kiss when I leave.

"Well like I said don't forget to make an appointment for your next check up, so 6 months. Please close the door behind you umm, mmm I'm sorry I forgot your name again but let the nurse know I'm ready for the next patient. Thanks" as he leaned over to pick up a kleenex he dropped without even looking at me in the face to dismiss me.

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