Tonight

I had to take another small job a couple days ago because I'm broke. I have no money (well I have some) but I'm about to move, and don't even have enough for that.

So I started working at this pizza place, and the kids (literally) are all in high school and the youngest one is 15. He was literally my age when I first began to work. And I had to take this job because I quit from my last one because I was so scared to go back after I accidentally missed a shift that I was supposed to work.

I just felt this huge blanket of intense fear and anxiety come over me. And I basically didn't know what to do but walk away. I could have been okay, the time still passes and comes, but I have nothing really to even make me able to live as a human being.

So I'm at another job, one that I have to take because I need the money to be able to survive. And an immense sense of rush comes over me. And in that moment again I feel how stupid and incapable I am of doing anything. I feel like nothing is sticking, like I'm too slow, and like I don't understand suddenly even how to listen or talk.

I feel embarrassed for myself because I thought I was smart enough to do the work of a teenager, or at least one on the lowest totem poll.

But no.

I guess I'm not good at shit. And It's like how am I going to ever make a living, have a life, or do anything when I'm a huge pendejo who can't get anything right.

I feel like my body turns itself off automatically and this isn't one of those things that be turned off by kind words, or warm wishes.

What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can't I seem to do anything right? I'm so tired of trying so hard to do even the smallest things. I'm sick of not being able to take care of myself. On the outside I made myself out to be someone who I know society would allow to slide.

But I can't really pretend that this isn't a big problem. And i'm scared. Because I have no control. I'm not steering this ship. And I can't stop.